Breathe
by Endless Raindrops
Summary: Renesmee's thoughts and memories as she runs away from one of the biggest mistakes of her life. Songfic. Jacob/Renesmee


**Disclaimer: I don't own **_**Twilight **_**nor do I want to. I also do not own the song, so please don't sue me!**

**Dedication: This is dedicated to CallMeEmbry's. Thanks for the awesome reviews.**

_Breathe_

Why does this have to happen to people? Can someone please answer that for me? Why do the threads of people's lives intertwine so tangled? Is this supposed to happen? Is the world just filled with pain, love, and hate all in one gigantic mess for people to clean up?

After the scene tonight I needed to get away from this chaos, and possibly never come back. I knew that I was (am) running away, the true sign of a coward.

I don't care. This is too much for anyone, least of all me someone who has soon only so much of the world. No one in my family knew, not yet anyway. They would soon enough, and for once I was grateful that Aunt Alice couldn't see my future, something that I had been regretting a lot lately.

Because maybe if she had seen my future she would have warned me about everything and I would have become a nun as soon as I officially turned five.

Maybe my leaving would benefit everyone, even though at the current place that I was at, I couldn't see any other alternative. Maybe I was being just like my father; melodramatic. But I had always been a very black and white person (I didn't just get my hair color from my father, I did get a few of his personality traits as well).

But of course, my running away wasn't quite as selfless as his had been. I was being horribly selfish, and I knew it, but I didn't care. I prayed that my parents wouldn't get too angry, I was taking mom's Lamborghini (horribly conspicuous, I know), and its not like mom ever used it anyway. It was just sitting in the corner of the garage of the house that we never officially 'left' in Forks (my parents had some strange tie to the town, even though we had to leave years ago so that we wouldn't become suspicious) even though we hadn't been there in years. We all (I mean my entire giant of a family) decided not to leave until I was ten years old in normal years, not in my maturation.

I was happy to say the least, that my family had decided that. It was the house that I was born in (even though born is a very mild term, to say the least); that I had first seen Jacob in, and the house that he had first seen me. I remember knowing at the time that we were supposed to be. _I _could feel our bond, even though he couldn't, not at first.

I was so grateful that he had imprinted on me, and no one else, even though that wasn't exactly the case anymore. It hurt me to think about it, but how could I not? I saw his face every time I closed my eyes, up until a few months ago, up until everything had to get complicated. I sighed, why did Nahuel have to come back, I mean wasn't seeing my once enough?

Why did he have to come to see how I was now that seven years was up, and he wanted to make sure that I had 'matured correctly'. Sure, that's what he said now. I remember the day he came back like it was yesterday, practically Jacob's face in my mind.

_**I see your face in my mind as I drive away  
'Cause none of us thought it was gonna end that way  
People are people and sometimes we change our minds  
But it's killing me to see you go after all this time  
**_

_Flashback:_

_My warm hand was wrapped around Jacob's and once again I was marveling about the fact that he was the exact same temperature as me. We were walking around the forests of La Push. We weren't really supposed to be there (with my being half vampire and all), but Jacob was the Alpha, and so he told me it really didn't matter. He had just suggested taking me home, and I was nodded, wanting to comply. I liked being at home with Jacob almost as much as I liked being alone with him. Plus it was always fun to see him and Aunt Rose bicker about what seemed to be absolutely nothing. _

_Usually it was about me, and how Jacob could hurt me, or how gets me hurt. (I always rolled my eyes at that part. Being half vampire gave me most of the perks of being a vampire, and being indestructible just happened to be one of them.). Aunt Rose was so protective sometimes, it was aggravating. I was just as strong as Jacob, or stronger. I'm sure that if we wrestled he would win, but not without me putting up a good fight. It would be evenly matched, to be certain._

_I smiled at the thought. Maybe when we got home we could test it out, but he'd have to be human, of course. I wasn't about to wrestle him while he was a giant dog. _

"_What are you thinking about Ness?" Jacob asked me and I complied, thinking about different things than what I had been thinking about earlier. He didn't need to know _everything_ that I was thinking. It's not like I had any privacy at home anyway, and besides Jacob wouldn't mind._

_So I showed him a picture of us walking in the woods together, and the animals that came up along the way, drawn in my his presence, but slightly repelled by mine. We were alone, just the two of us, and the entire thing had a feeling of contentment around it. _

_He smiled at my thoughts, and I had to agree that I agreed. It was nice, and I liked the way the wind blew against my skin, the perfect temperature against my warm skin. _

_Suddenly there was a noise in the forest. Jacob and I whirled around, but we weren't that concerned. Having a 'coven' as big as ours tended to draw in others of our kind (well my kind, vampires). It couldn't be anything too bad, for all we knew it could have been Tanya or something. They_ had_ been visiting a lot this year._

_It wasn't a scent that I particularly remembered though. I had smelled it before, I was sure, but I hadn't smelled it very recently._

_Then I saw _him_, Nahuel. His face was extremely beautiful, and I remembered feeling pleasure, which to me was odd. He was the first man that I had seen in a long time that hadn't been part of my family. Of course I remembered him (I remembered everything), and it was odd nonetheless to see him near Forks. _

_He wasn't alone, though. I then saw he was with Zafrina, and I smiled. It wasn't odd that she was here, she had visited regularly, but it was odd that she wasn't with her sisters. They were always together, and they had said themselves that it was uncomfortable for them to be apart. _

"_Nessie," Zafrina smiled at me and I let go of Jacob's hand to go run and hug her. The coolness of her frigid skin was so comfortable to me that I barely noticed it now. Her burgundy eyes smiled down at me. I always hated how short she made me feel, even though I was five feet eight inches. "It's so good to see you again, you seem like you've finally fully matured. I'm glad. So is the werewolf your mate?" she asked me in a whisper. _

_The whisper had to be heard by everyone in the vicinity though. We all had super human hearing, and it's not like we could keep a secret from one another anyway. Besides, I knew that Zafrina wasn't trying to be vindictive or anything. That was just how she was, there were no secrets in her coven back home. Heck, there weren't that many secrets at home anyway, even though we didn't share as much as Zafrina and her sisters seemed to. We were far more private._

_Both Nahuel and Jacob froze, even though what they had been doing before didn't seem as big as a problem as the question that Zafrina had just asked right now. They both paused and seemed very intent on seeming not to listen. They were glaring at each other slightly, and for one insane second I was afraid that Jacob wouldn't care about my answer, even though he knew the truth, or at least he seemed to. _

_Did I even know the answer? Suddenly I wasn't so sure. _

_I shook my head. "No," I told her, "it's not like that." _

_Nahuel seemed relieved, and Jacob's face was in a mask of emotion that I had never seen before. It was blank, but I saw the hurt before he decided to put the mask on, and to tell the truth the mask never really met his eyes, even though I could tell that he tried._

_The look in his eyes wasn't betrayal; no it was much worse than that._

_He was in_ pain_. _

_And it was my entire fault, there was no one else to blame._

_The look in his eyes haunted me for the rest of the day, and it never really left his eyes, even though it dimmed some as the day progressed._

_He went home early. _

It was my fault.

_End Flashback. __****_

Music starts playin' like the end of a sad movie  
It's the kinda ending you don't really wanna see  
'Cause it's tragedy and it'll only bring you down  
Now I don't know what to be without you around

I could feel the tears streaming down my face in torrents. They were unyielding, and making it extremely hard to see properly, but I wasn't about to pull over now. I wasn't even out of Washington State now.

If my dad was here he'd probably be drilling into me the driving safety book that he had gotten for me when I turned three _again_. He had the stupid thing memorized. It made me smile through my tears just a little to think about my dad chastising me about not driving safely, but not about all of the pain that I had put myself, and Jacob through. Nahuel wasn't too hurt though, I was sure. I wasn't too worried about him to say the least.

I didn't rip _his_ heart out with bloody hands.

My tears were coming faster now; I could feel them coming out faster and faster from my tear ducts. I wiped them away angrily. Stupid things, I hated them.

I never really cried much before. I cried once when I wasn't even a year old yet, and mom had kissed away my tears. I was so bewildered at my tears, they were so natural, and yet I had seen no one do it before. It was alien to me, and now here I was crying again, even though the feeling wasn't as alien now. It felt _right_ to be crying now. It was the only way that my body could deal with the pain that I had committed on others and myself.

_I _had done this to him, and it really wasn't anyone else's fault except my own. But maybe he could get over me, if anything like that was possible in a soul mate/imprint.

It was a stupid wish, and I knew it. Jacob wasn't about to just 'get over' me. He couldn't, we were created exactly for each other, and you can't exactly move on from someone that you were meant for.

Did fate have any say in this though? I mean, honestly. I had messed everything up big time, and I'm pretty sure that fate was frustrated with me.

I needed to think of something happier so that I could stop crying, and see properly.

That was what I told myself, but I knew what I needed. I just needed to see Jacob happy again, and for me, memories were almost as good as real life.

_**  
And we know it's never simple, never easy  
**__**Never a clean break, no one here to save me  
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand**_

_Flashback:_

_It was my fourth birthday party. Aunt Alice had gone over the top on the whole thing, which was her style to say the least. All of the women got to plan my birthday parties and this year it just happened to be Aunt Alice._

_There was pink everywhere (it was my favorite color, at the time) and balloons galore. You would think that there weren't too many shades of pink in the world, but I'm pretty sure that Aunt Alice had gotten them all for me. _

_I actually liked parties, and I certainly didn't get that from my mother (or so I was told). Alice was pleased with her handiwork and we were just cleaning up. I had actually eaten a piece of the cake, and I had to say that it actually wasn't that bad. Jacob, of course, along with his pack had come, and had eaten more than their fair share, but I didn't mind. _

_I liked having the wolf pack over to the house, even if Aunt Rosalie didn't. She said that they were too messy and too loud, but that's what I loved about them. _

_I loved their crazy chaos, the distinctly different personalities that came together as a whole. I also loved how they were always themselves, the bad and the good together. They had no one to put on a show for, and they knew it. Very different from my house, where everyone put on a show, whether for each other, or the humans around us. Compared to all of them under one roof my house was suddenly too quiet and clean. Jacob was always happy when I was, and when surrounded by the pack he seemed to be in an elated mood._

_When I asked him to go on a walk with me, he agreed readily since all of the pack was gone, and we were going to be alone. No one would miss us, I was sure. Aunt Alice was talking to Uncle Jasper, and my father and mother were holding hands in the living room, talking to Grandpa Carlisle and Grandma Esme. Uncle Emmett and Aunt Rosalie weren't around, and I didn't even want to think about what they were doing right now. _

_I shared this thought with Jacob, and he laughed. "I feel really bad for your poor grandparents. There's no telling what part of the house that they're going to break next."_

_I laughed with him, my twinkling laugh sounding just right with his ringing one. It was true, a few months ago they had taken out a wall whenever Jacob and I walked in on them 'accidentally on purpose'. It was hilarious, even though we had to bring in a bunch of builders who couldn't believe that there was a whole in the wall that size that we didn't have an explanation for. _

"_I'll race you up that tree," I told him. I was always up for a competition, and beating Jacob at something always made victory just that much sweeter. He nodded, and he had a confident smirk on his face. I could tell already that he thought he was going to win, but I wasn't about to let him. There was absolutely no way that he was winning now._

"_Okay, on your mark, get set," he said, and I took off before he said go. Hey, it's not like I ever said that I didn't cheat against Jacob on occasion, I just said that I didn't ever want to lose. "No fair you cheater!" he exclaimed after me. _

_I was scrambling up the tree, trying to get to the very top before Jacob got to the top of his, and with my head start I felt like I had a little bit of room to be able to taunt him just a little bit. "Oh be quiet, you whiny baby! You knew that you would have lost to me anyway!" _

"_True," he admitted when he got to the top only five seconds after I did (he was very fast, to say the least). He was pretending to be tired though, I could always see through him, even when I was younger. I knew him inside and out. I could tell when he was about to laugh hysterically, I could tell when he wanted to cry (like the time I 'forced' him to watch _Titanic_), and whenever he was lying. I only had to rarely use these talents, since he was such an open person towards me, or well anyone really. _

"_You are so lying, but that's okay. I love you anyway," I sang at him. "I know you like the back of my hand," I boasted. _

"_Oh, is that so?" he asked, raising an eyebrow. I raised one back._

"_Duh, I've only known you since I was born, and besides, you're not that hard to figure out. And we have no secrets, right?" I asked him. I knew that _I _certainly didn't have any secrets from him. _

"_Nope, no secrets," he told me, and something was tugging at me, telling me that this wasn't the total truth. I shrugged it off, what could Jacob hide from me? _

"_Race you back down," I called, and he agreed._

"_No cheating this time though."_

_End Flashback._

_****_

And I can't breathe  
Without you, but I have to  
Breathe  
Without you, but I have to

I shook my head at the naivety of myself. I had been so trusting of him, of my whole family, but now I knew that they were all liars, they had intentionally _lied_ to me.

I laughed darkly. Oh, who the hell was I kidding, they didn't lie to me, they were keeping things from me to protect me in the best way that they knew how, but the only thing that they had done was keep something from me to the best of their ability. It was hard to learn what I learned, but for some reason I wasn't entirely surprised.

It didn't make it hurt any less though.

They wanted to keep it from me until they felt like I was ready. I still wasn't, even when they decided to tell me. I was just being immature, and I knew it. It wasn't their fault that I reacted the way that I did. That wasn't exactly a day that I wanted to remember, but I did anyway._****_

Never wanted this, never want to see you hurt  
Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve  
People are people and sometimes it doesn't work out  
Nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out  


_Flashback:_

"_Nessie, honey, can you come here please? We need to talk to you," my mother called from her and dad's bedroom. I was surprised that they were calling me, whatever they needed to say to me, they could say it in front of everyone else. _

_Nahuel and Zafrina hadn't left yet (they'd been staying here for about three months, and I was happy that Zafrina could stay this long. Nahuel was okay, he and I were becoming friends, even though we didn't have all that much in common), and I was planning on going to Seattle with them because, I wanted to show them the 'city lights'. _

"_Sure," I told them, slightly confused. I asked several questions in my head, but dad didn't bother to answer any of them, which was surprising to say the least. And it's not like I was in trouble or anything, what could I possibly do? I was under the constant supervision of people who had superhuman hearing, and that could my feel every emotion and hear my every thought. _

"_You know how your mother and I met, don't you?" My father asked. I nodded, of course I did. For years I would ask over and over again about how they met, and ask for details. It wasn't exactly romantic (I mean, my mother thought dad hated her, how in the world is that romantic?), but it was still an exciting story because it was the story where the possibility of _me_ began._

"_Well, we never told you the whole story. You know how we told you that we got married after I left your mother?" Dad asked again. Why was this so important? It wasn't like I didn't hear this story a thousand times; I knew everyone's story, even Rosalie's, which she had been reluctant to tell me. _

"_Well, there was a time when your mother was in love with Jacob, too." _

_Holy flying cows. Since when was this about, I felt like asking, but I didn't. I let my parents explain themselves fully. _

_They did, and all the while I was wondering where in the world was he, and why wasn't he the one telling me this? I wanted him there badly, it was almost mandatory to have him there. For the first time in a long time I wanted to cry. But I didn't thankfully, that would have brought on a whole new discussion that I didn't even want to get into. _

"_Jacob didn't want us to tell you yet, but we're your parents, and we decided otherwise. It was for the best," mom told me, her golden eyes on mine. _

_Jacob didn't _want_ to tell me? I could feel myself getting unreasonably angry. 'He was just trying to protect you!' the reasonable side of me argued, but I didn't want to listen, not today. I just wanted to find him and hurt him as much as I had been hurt, or more, if that was even possible. I stormed out to the forest where I knew he was on patrol. _

"_Jacob Black, how could you not tell me this?" I demanded. _

"_Tell you what?" he asked, looking confused as he came back from behind the tree from which he had just phased, but I wasn't fooled. How stupid did he think that I was? Obviously pretty stupid if he wanted me to think that I wouldn't now, he was my _life_, I realized. And now he had just taken that away from me too. _

"_About you and my mother?!" I shrieked at him, my voice going up two octaves. I couldn't help it; my voice did that when I was angry. His confused look froze into place; he knew exactly what I was talking about._

"_They told you about that?" he asked me, his eyes suddenly fearful. Damn right he should be afraid._

_I nodded, not taking my eyes off his face. He could not tell me something that big. "Damn it!" he shouted. "Ness, it wasn't like that, _I _wanted to tell you, Edward knew that! He did, but he said hat you needed to know now…"_

_I cut him off, "And when, exactly, were you going to tell me this? A year from now, or were you not going to tell me at all?" I was hissing at him, and my fury disturbed me a little. I wasn't ever this vicious. _

"_I don't know, but I was going to tell you. Please Renesmee, please let me explain," my eyes widened a little at his using my full name. He _never_ did that. But it wasn't stopping me. _

"_I'm going out with Nahuel tonight, actually. So I can't listen to this right now. You lied to me Jacob. You _lied_. And I was just starting to fall in love with you too," I told him. I only wanted to tell him that to hurt him, but I realized with growing conviction that it was true. _

_End Flashback. _

_**  
And we know it's never simple, never easy  
Never a clean break, no one here to save me  
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand  
**_

Was that in the cards too? Was I supposed to hurt him so badly that he couldn't love me back ever again? Fate always did have a strange sense of humor.

Ugh, I was a monster to him. I did forgive him eventually (even though it should have been the other way around), but things were never the same after that.

I was being irrational, very, very irrational, and I knew it, but I didn't care. I just wanted to be loved, and cared for, like I was before. I wanted to be ignorant again. The phrase ignorance is bliss never seemed so true.

I was an absolute idiot, there was no reason for me now to be so hideous to him, and I knew that now. The pain didn't lessen any, but neither did it increase.

Things between me and Jacob were awkward for about a month after that, and Grandma Esme asked Zafrina and Nahuel to stay for a while longer. They were slowly becoming vegetarians like us, and my grandparents wanted to try and convert them totally.

And that was when our trouble really began.

_**  
And I can't breathe  
Without you, but I have to  
Breathe  
Without you, but I have to**_

_I was sitting alone, something that did a lot now; I wasn't exactly the best company in the world, and I heard a knock on the door. "Come in," I grumbled. I wasn't in the best of moods, I'd been in a funk like this for a while, but everyone seemed to take it in stride. _

_It was Nahuel. I wasn't entirely surprised, I supposed. He and I had been spending more time together ever since Jacob and I had been… never mind. I didn't want to even think about that, even though it was the only thing that I could think about._

_Nahuel and I hadn't exactly been best friends before all of this, but he was so nice to me, especially now. Every time Zafrina saw us together, she got this odd glint in her eye. I could tell that she wanted me and Nahuel to get together and become 'mates' in a sense, but I really didn't want to, and I was sure neither did Nahuel, not really. _

_With him and his oddly accented English I didn't laugh as much as I used to. He actually made me look depressed, and made me feel like I was committing an act of betrayal, even though there was no one to betray but my own self. _

"_Nessie, I've been thinking," he told me, seeming nervous, but I didn't really care. I was an idiot, and everyone knew it. Nahuel was still talking, but I didn't really care. _

_How could I let _him_ go like that? I asked myself. How could I? I suddenly wanted to get up, and Nahuel seemed very out of place and in the way in the moment. _

_I wondered to myself if I threw a stick, if he would leave. I realized that he wouldn't, but it would be worth a shot._

"_And, Nessie, I think that I'm in love with you. I have been since I first saw the beautiful woman that you had become," Nahuel told me, looking slightly nervous, no more than nervous, he looked down right scared. _

_I stopped all movement. Did he seriously say what I think he just said? There was no way. _

_I walked closer to him, trying to get to the door. He took that action the wrong way. _

_He went out and kissed me on my lips. _

_I didn't know what to do, or what to think. No one had ever kissed me like this before. I had a feeling that this should have been pleasant, but it wasn't. I didn't feel anything at all. It was empty, for me at least. _

_My mouth was open slightly, and he stuck his tongue in, and he seemed very experienced in this area where I wasn't. Too experienced. _

_I heard the door open, and I pulled away, grateful for the distraction._

_**  
It's two a.m., feelin' like I just lost a friend  
Hope you know it's not easy, easy for me  
It's two a.m., feelin' like I just lost a friend  
Hope you know this ain't easy, easy for me**_

I looked at the dashboard. It was two o' six a.m. and I was crying. I couldn't stand this anymore. I needed to pull over. I needed to break down, and I couldn't do that while I was driving.

I stopped on the side of the road, and leaned over, my head on the other side of the wheel. I was having a break down just thinking of Jacob's face as he opened up the door and saw me at that very compromising angle with Nahuel._****_

_**And we know it's never simple, never easy  
Never a clean break, no one here to save me, oh  
**_

_Jacob opened the door. "Oh, sorry," was his first reaction, but not his last. _

_As soon as he saw what was happening the look on his face was so tragic that my heart shattered into a million tiny pieces that all belonged to him. As he closed the door, he took my whole heart with him. _

_As I looked up into Nahuel's face (it hurt me to do that, because that was not the face that I wanted to see, but I owed him some kind of explanation at the very least.) I realized why our kiss had felt so wrong. Because the wrong set of lips were on mine. It was so obvious! _

_I was truly a fool. I wanted Jacob's lips to be the first on mine, even if mine weren't the first set of lips that were on his. I didn't care anymore. _I _was the only one in his life now, and I had just blown that all away._

It was my entire fault.

_I had ruined the one thing that had meant _everything _to me. _

"_Jacob?" I called. I knew he was outside, I could see his silhouette._

"_Can you please talk to me? I-I-I" I love you, I almost called to him, but he was gone. He became a wolf in the blink of an eye, and all I heard was a lone, mournful howl in the night. _

_End Flashback _

_**  
I can't breathe  
without you, but I have to  
Breathe  
without you, but I have to  
Breathe  
without you, but I have to**_

That was the last time I saw him.

I straightened up, trying to pull myself together, but then I realized what the use was? Honestly, it didn't matter, I was all by myself, and I didn't have anyone that I needed to keep up appearances for anymore. I only had myself. I was the only person left that cared about me; everyone else was too disgusted with me to even think about caring about me at this point in time.

I didn't blame them, I would be too.

But was that really Jacob's purpose in life, to be the man that never got the girl? It was with my mother, but was it like that with me? It couldn't be. But realization was building up in me. It didn't _have _to be like that.

I could change his workings in the universe, screw fate. I needed him, and he was mine. I was going back to go find him, and I wasn't going to stop looking until I did. It would be hard; he wouldn't want to talk to me at first, though he'd have to talk to me eventually. I would make him.

_He was mine._

And with that conviction strong in my head I pulled myself together and stared at the long black highway on the way back home._****_

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry  
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry

**A/N: Okay, ya'll owe me one. Reviews please! **


End file.
